Surreal Football

Vuvuzela Lists: 31 Reasons to Hate Manchester United

“The list could surely go on, and there is nothing more wonderful than a list, instrument of wondrous hypotyposis.”

We like to imagine the universe as something whole, complete, perfect. Composed of complementary binaries, we take comfort in its beautiful symmetry. Light and dark, up and down, good and bad, this and that. Every yin has its yang, every beginning its end, every proton its electron, every action its equal and opposite reaction. The universe ablaze in celestial harmony, everything in its right place. Even you—ugly, stupid, selfish, mean, irredeemable little you—your soul mate is out there, somewhere, waiting for you.

It’s all lies, of course. The binaries are false. Symmetry is a mirage, wholeness a fantasy, perfection a sad delusion. There is no celestial harmony, no right place. No soul mate. There is only chaos, violence, and emptiness. “The universe,” Don Draper said, “is indifferent.”

But it’s nice to pretend. Here, let’s pretend together: