The Surreal Football Guide to Christmas
- Insist your family watch every Queen’s Speech of the past, in order to ‘ensure the proper context’.
- The night before, replace the tree with a cardboard cut-out of Ian Brady and Myra Hindley, then spend the day making sure no-one can take it down.
- Reply to every Christmas card with a letter asking, ‘What’s it to you?’
- Offer to cook Christmas dinner at the start of December, and at the latest possible moment refuse to do the cooking unless your ‘exhaustive list of frankly perverse demands’ are met.
- Refuse to get out of bed until someone gives a 45 minute presentation on what happened to simple common decency in this day and age.
- Insist to everyone that you understand their concerns, and you’ve noted them for future reference, but turkey is best served extremely rare, and that there’s no room for compromise. Not today, not ever.
- Buy everyone puppies. Deliberately tape up all the airholes on the parcels.
- Make sure to answer the phone first if it rings. When the person on the other end is finished talking, lie to everyone that you’ve just been told that Nan has died.
- Say your confusing Christmas with your birthday was a genuine mistake. Then continue to ask why everyone else is getting presents too.
- Reluctantly accept you’ve spent the whole day in the wrong house.
The Surreal Football Christmas ebook will be out in a couple of weeks, or at the weekend, we’re unsure as yet. Contributions will be from Twisted Blood, Rob Smyth, Gareth Parker, Bearded Genius, Nick Miller, Lemonade Drinker, Ethan Dean-Richards, Gareth David, Callum Hamilton, Get Goal Side, Michael Moruzzi and others we may have temporarily forgotten.