The Twitter Match Reports

WHU 3–1 CHE. Spoilt West End vulgarians’ Rafa-baiting panto You’re Not My Real Dad! in crisis after East End urchins ransack box office.

 

ARS 0-2 SWA. Baffled Gallic caterpillar seeks refuge inside 12-tog chrysalis as Goonland temperatures plummet to 30-year low.

 

FLM 0–3 TOT. Jol awarded bronze depiction of illegal sex act as bestiality periodical Pet Smells crowns him Most Fuckable Face in Football.

 

LIV 1–0 SOU. Doomed-to-meander bonsai contract-evader Ahem Sterling distances himself from ‘new SWP’ tag by circling Eastlands on giant trike.

 

MNC 1–1 EVE. 7ft Flemish microphone Marouane Fellaini “has the power to cure scrofula, dropsy & feline AIDS,” claims ex-Toffee acid-casualty.

QPR 1–1 AV. Pre-emptive felon pleads, “I’m a retard, m’lud. Straight-up mong. Need round the clock care. Bed pans, arse wipes, a head wand…”

 

WBA 0–1 STO. Ming-browed bootball villain Tony Putrid stays sane by taking wife hostage once-a-week & making her eat light bulbs at gunpoint.

 

REA 3–4 MNU. Grunty Glaswegian balloon sculpture has signature shitcoat “made by orphans under extreme duress in surrounds of abject squalor.”

 

NOR 2–1 SUN. Generous in defeat, Gerry Anderson’s Martin O’Neill lifts beleaguered nation with news of Lee Cattermole’s ongoing agony.

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