The Twitter Match Reports

SUN 2–4 WBA. Lipless joy-refraining puritan Steve Clarke quits devil’s game, retreats to 1692 to spread moral panic amongst Salem townsfolk.

EVE 1–1 NOR. Cautious Moyes locks own-brand Anfield’s totemic baby-frightener Neville in attic for 8wks “so his face won’t ruin xmas again.”

MNU 3–1 QPR. Man with head like fatal smack binge in a gibbon’s ball-bag fails to give hope-strapped Hoops a much-needed shot in the groin.

STO 1–0 FLM. Good-touch-for-a-big-spider cluster of tubes Peter Crouch advised to sub-let spare limbs to anyone who wants the fucking things.

WIG 3–2 REA. Glamour Girl fixture sees Booby Martinez’s swollen udders spill out like big pink sick bags, the giddy stink of Onan in the air.

AV 0–0 ARS. Duncan Norvelle’s vagrant twin Mark Lawrenson brings dour highlights package to life by rimming stray dogs for money.

SWA 0–0 LIV. Bullshit-spouting pseud plays a false 9, a false 7, a pretend LB & an invisible Joe Cole on his way to yet another false win.

SOU 2–0 NEW. Toon-town’s injury crisis deepens after Shola Ameobi emerges unscathed from accidental training ground trepanning.

CHE 0–0 MNC. Alonso-repelling Gareth Barry-fancier endears himself to new club, selling Oscar so he can buy Heather Mills’ fake leg off eBay.

TOT 3–1 WHU. Valued squad member Lloris told not to read anything into it as shag-counting rain man Bill Wyman makes surprise start in goal.


Reports by Little Big Match

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