The Surreal Football Guide To Writing Lists
1. I’m never filling in another form again after this.
2. Stop numbering my arguments because being that precise is seen as aggressive. That isn’t how you make friends.
3. Do not title said lists as ‘My demands’
4. Or ‘Why you’re a fucking moron’
5. Bullet points is an expression, do not shoot the paper. The scorch marks and shell cases create more problems than the list resolves.
6. No-one uses the word ‘nonetheless’ in real life speech. They certainly don’t use it in a list of reasons why a girl should go out with them.
7. Seven is really the point at which a list has become too long, unfunny, and acting against its original purpose.
8. Eight is where it tentatively reasserts itself as genius.
9. Nine is where it proudly declares and establishes its genius and readers are invited to send cash rewards.
10. Is where you fuck off. Fuck off now!
11. Please don’t leave me.