The Twitter Match Reports
ARS 3–3 FLM. “Bum’s rush” acquires (w)hole new meaning as Breaking Bad’s Walter Wenger treats own anus to prolonged blue meth blowback.
EVE 2–1 SUN. Brow-mageddon! Eyebrowless swamy Guru Moyes evokes ancient tantric principles all over Martin O’Monobrow’s unpunctuated thicket.
REA 0–0 NOR. Flatland thumb-sceptics spiral forward thru time to 1983, crying witchcraft at M4 backwater’s trimphones, Wham albums & shoes.
SOU 1–1 SWA. Gull-turd spackled boondock’s celebrity fan Craig David cries lungs out as Saints seal famous draw against Welsh Barca.
STO 1–0 QPR. Muscle atrophy’s Peter Crouch has arms surgically shortened “to look more like a T-Rex and less like an angle poise lamp.”
WIG 1–2 WBA. Underwhelmed dourpuss Steve Clarke celebrates unsurpassed points tally by momentarily untucking expression from socks.
AV 2–3 MNU. Manc Taliban supremo Mullah Ferg in rare display of mercy, waiting till the 87th min before stoning Villa hopes to death.
MNC 2–1 TOT. Dzeko delighted with dramatic victory despite unnamed Tory peer Norman Tebbit not being linked with anything untoward.
NEW 0–1 WHU. Movember contrarian ‘Massive Sam’ Allardyce grows ironic cluster of gonad tumours to raise cash for nebulous moustache charity.
CHE 1–1 LIV. Bored teen laughs colon loose after idly wondering if botched face transplant John Flanagan has ever negotiated image rights.