Surreal Football

The Champions League Preview

By @Get_Goal_Side

Group A - Group of Death.

Dynamo Kyiv vs. FC Porto

As rivalries go, this is right up there with Chelsea and race relations. It’ll have everything; blood, sweat, tears, passion, belief, fight, zeal, fanaticism, ardour, fervour, love, hate. RESPECT. Will anybody watch? No.

PSG vs. Dinamo Zagreb

Dinamo will look to make two wins out of two against the French giants. A win will top the group and all but secure qualification for the Bosnians.

Group B – Group of Death.

Schalke 04 vs. Arsenal

Two good passing sides, who both favour free-flowing football with emphasis on retaining possession and patient build-up play. Schalke surprised many at the Emirates in the last meeting, and Wenger will want to prevent their lethal counter attacks with particular focus on stopping Huntelaar. All is irrelevant as we won two World Wars and one World Cup.

Olympiacos vs. Montpellier

A repeat of last year’s final; anticipate a footballing master-class. Montpellier hitman Olivier Giroud will be looking to take his league form into the Champions League. A draw will almost certainly see both these sides go through, so expect a cagey affair.

Group C - Group of Death.

Anderlecht vs. Zenit St. Petersburg

It was a goal-fest at the Stadion Petrovs.ki, a goal-fest is on the cards at the Constant Vanden Stock Stadium, which has become a fortress for the Belgians in the Champions League. Since 2003, having played 10 games there, they’ve drawn an impressive two, and lost the rest. Home win.

AC Milan vs. Malaga

The question on everybody’s lips is whether AC Milan or Malaga will win this game. Money-bags Malaga travel to the San Siro in desperate need of a win. Free-scoring Milan are no longer relevant in football.

Group D.

Manchester City vs. Ajax

Boosted by the news of Micah Richards’ injury City will look to capitalize and kick-start their Champions League campaign.  With all to play for, Mancini is unlikely to take risks, so a back three looks probable. Ajax are a team not afraid to express themselves, so this game will give us the lot; goals, end to end football, and hopefully a bit of racism.

Real Madrid vs. Borussia Dortmund

Many believe this will be a straightforward victory for Real Madrid, but history suggests otherwise. Dortmund’s last away win in the Champions League was in 2003 and not only that, Real Madrid have won eight on the bounce at the Bernabeu. This is far from a foregone conclusion.

Group E – Group of Death.

Juventus vs. Norway

Juventus are unbeaten since 2001 and it’s unlikely that Nordveit will break the mould. The Norwegian champions will be buoyed by the draw when these to last met, but manager Ole Gunnar Solskjaer will know that this will be completely different.  This will be the biggest night of the Norwegian clubs history since capturing the Danish Superliga last season.

Chelsea vs. Shakhtar Donetsk.

Despite losing Wigan legend Julius Aghahowa, Shakhtar have started the season as they ended the last, in impressive form. Chelsea will be concerned by Shakthar’s recent form, and the number of black players they have, however Di Matteo will be well aware of the threat and will continue to build around a solid defence to stifle the Ukrainians.

Group F – Group of Death.

Valencia vs. BATE Borisov

Viktor Goncharenko vs. Mauricio Pellegrino. Spain vs. Belarus. Soldado vs. BATE striker. A classic champions league tie, BATE will look to build on their recent success in Spain having accumulated zero points out of a possible twenty-one. A, B, C, D, E, F, GOALS.

Bayern Munich vs. Lille OSC

Considering Bayern’s recent form, they are sure favourites to come away with a win in this tie. However, with the likes of captain Lisandro Lopez and club top-scorer Bafetimbi Gomis, Lille have players who can make something out of nothing. This game has potential to be unpredictable and as utterly disgusting as Ribery’s stupid ugly excuse of a face. Cunt.

Group G – Group of Death.

Benfica vs. Spartak Moscow

This game will be as exciting as the two teams involved. What will be the score? It’s a shame no-one cares.

Celtic vs. Barcelona

Celtic were lucky to only lose 2-1, they were completely dominated and they lost last time out, yet they were commended for ‘trying’.  They also ‘tried’ against Kilmarnock and they still lost, if your best player is a Kenyan defensive midfielder then what right do you have to be a club let alone be in the Champions League.  Despite this it was still a shock that Samaras failed to make the Ballon’dor list for the first time since 2004. Barca win, if you think otherwise you’re a cunt.

Group H – Group of Death.

CFR Cluj vs. Galatasaray

Game of the week. Revenge is on the cards. Dan Petrescu’s blues take on Hakan Sukur’s red’s. I’m rubber your Cluj.

Braga vs. Manchester United

Despite his advancing years Alan Brazil scored twice and Braga secured the win. With United winning against Braga last week this game could go either way.