The Surreal Football guide to being good at shooting

We always hear the phrase, ‘excellent football scorer’ when we’re watching television analysis, or talking about football in the pub and/or restaurant.  Surreal Football, though, digs deeper.  Not for us the spivs and the spin, not for us the plebs and the piddle.  We get to the heart of things.

We wanted to bring you the science, thegoddamn hardcore analysisof football.  Football.  Football.  Football. 

Two weeks in the making, we present to you the Surreal Football guide to being good at shooting.

1. Shooting - to be good at shooting you have to do shooting.  If you are unable to do shooting then you won’t be able to do it well.

2. Kicking - Shooting uses a kicking motion. Practise your kicking motions in order to become more adept at the kicking part of the shooting process.

3. Kicking the ball - Crucial.  If you kick air, a person, or any other object other than the ball, the ball is unlikely to move.  You need to kick (see point 2) the ball to shoot.

4. Having legs - An underrated skill. What do Paolo Di Canio and Peter Crouch have in common?  They both have legs.  In order to swing your legs in the kicking motion, you need to have legs.  Try to practise having legs as often as you can.

5. Having feet - If you have stumps instead of feet then shooting (see point 1) is much harder.  The feet are used to point the ball in a certain direction when you kick in the shooting manner.  Make sure your feet are on the end of your legs (see point 4) or balancing will be hard.

6. Being alive - If you are not alive you cannot send signals to your legs to kick.  This fundamentally obstructs the kicking process.  Be alive.

7. Being picked - You need to be on the pitch.  This is best done when you are picked for the team.  How many substitutes score?  Well, some, but only when they are on the pitch.  If you are picked to start then you start on the pitch.  This is where you should try shooting the most.

8. For a football team - You can shoot in hockey, but not with your legs.  You can shoot in rugby but it’s a silly game that mainly uses the hands and it doesn’t have goals or nets.  If you want to score football goals you should be in a football team.

9. Which has a football ball - See point 1.  You need to kick a ball.  You cannot do that if your team has no football ball.  AC Milan are struggling this season because they have not played with a football ball this season and so cannot kick and shoot the football ball.

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