The Surreal Football guide to avoiding small talk

1. Don’t leave the house. Don’t leave the house even when there’s no food, no running water and no air. Don’t leave the house even as the flames come up around you and you hear yourself screaming for help. Never leave the house.

2. Refuse to answer any questions with anything other than a rape whistle

3. Only reply in mime. Only mime your corrections to their grammar.

4. Put the hood of your hoody up over your head, but go further, pull the drawstrings around it as tight as they go, thereby leaving only your eyes for people to guess it’s you. Wear sunglasses if you have distinctive eyes or body shape. Note: this will make you look a cunt, but no-one said there were any happy endings to be had here.

5. Wear headphones all of the time. Carry a spare set of headphones at all times. Carry a spare MP3 player at all times (slightly less important after the second pair of headphones because you can always pretend). Carry spare sets of those rubbery things which go on the end of the headphones at all times. Pierce your eardrums with the headphones in case of absolute headphone disaster - they can’t expect you to talk back if you’ve deafened yourself out of spite.

6. Expose yourself in front of your colleagues

7. On your way home, take off your glasses or contact lenses. Walking past people you know but don’t like without any of the tension.

8. Write a blog that you are deliberately dressing sarcastically. Whenever anybody asks you how you can dress sarcastically take all your clothes off.

9. Only keep hammers in the fridge. Put a post it note on each of the hammers with the name of a flatmate.

10. Just be how you are now anyway, which will mean having no friends, so no-one will really want to talk to you anyway. Even people you like will probably not notice you. Live out your life in silence before one day quietly ending it. You’ll be discovered by the cleaners and there will be little fuss.

11. Don’t like fun in theory or practice.

12. Weep thoroughly before you leave the house to avoid causing a scene once out. Collapsing in the street is proven to be the number one cause for questions in the UK today.

13. Wearing trousers actually attracts more questions than not wearing trousers.

14. Yes, sculpt your frozen urine into an ice version of yourself. No, don’t take it on the bus. No, don’t raise your eyebrows hopefully as strangers stare at the sculpture. 

15. Buy a gun. Allow the gun to do your talking for you. For instance, when you want say BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!, it says BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

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