The Twitter Match Reports
TOT 2–4 CHE. Capital city’s foremost matchday extortionists join forces to mastermind league’s first Krugerrands-only meal deal.
FLM 1–0 AV. Thick-as-tits Villa git’s dietary predilections called into question after Ron Vlaar finds missing pubes in Agbonlahor’s mouth.
LIV 1–0 REA. Jinking foetus’s pompadour not the only miscarriage on show as goal-shy abortion Suarez’s prolife feet refuse to kill off game.
MNU 4–2 STO. Luxury bumwipe Gary Nouvelle backs trundling butterball Wide Roomey to get even fatter. “At 26, there’s definitely more to eat.”
SWA 2–1 WIG. Martinez takes advantage of hosts ‘cheapest tea in premier league’ by treating linesman’s face to 14 cups of English breakfast.
WBA 1–2 MNC. Curdled bum unguent Charles Tevez smears himself across own buttocks in doomed bid to become more appealing to sponsors.
WHU 4–1 SOU. Emergency colostomy bag fitted to Big-I-Am’s mouth after overblown shit-spigot snaps an o-ring during post-match gloatfest.
NOR 1–0 ARS. Cautious Wenger declares Jack Wilshere 80% fit, 15% better in goal than Mannone and about 5% smaller than Gervinho’s forehead.
SUN 1–1 NEW. Milan derby veteran Davide Santon ranks Tyne-Wear clash “just below licking out a crack whore till your eyes catch gonorrhea.”
QPR 1–1 EVE. Tweetin’ Tony Fernanades backs besieged dingbat Hughes with bold plea for patience, stability and Harry Redknapp’s phone number.