The Twitter Match Reports

ARS 1–2 CHE. Accusations of covert slavery beset half-as-racist-as-Suarez shark-eyed carcinogen John Victim’s ‘adoption’ of 40 African lepers.

EVE 3–1 SOU. Own-brand Anfield evacuated after goal-geyser erupts, leaking toxic levels of hope and expectation into Gladys Street stand.

FLM 1–2 MNC. Hot-button hobbit Bilbo Tevez flees to Middle Earth after Hitler-wig-Mohammed arse-tattoo sparks global funda-mental shit-fit.

NOR 2–5 LIV. Floundering reality TV grotesques, Being: Ridiculed FC, placate fanbase with brand new away kit made entirely from penis meat.

REA 2–2 NEW. Militant [snip] Peter Tatchell hails Ameobi’s ‘rare bravery’ after useless shithouse outs himself as the new Carl Leaburn.

STO 2–0 SWA. Tom Petty tribute act Michu vows to improve English after carpet-bombing atrocity Pulis mistakes “dwenty cumt” for compliment.

SUN 1–0 WIG. Repellent lunge-loving arse-quake Leap Clattermole bursts both legs trying to hospitalise a bendy-bus. #terriblecunt

MNU 2–3 TOT. DT’s for Darth Ferg as perma-parched throatastrophe Villas-Sand-Larnyx draws all the moisture from Sir Alchy’s Theatre of Drinks.


AV 1–1 WBA. Slack-jawed gumby Gormless Agbonlahor crowned Thickest Footballer in History after scampering mouth-breather traps arse in jug.

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