How to act when you’re a freelance football journalist
Tell people you have accreditation
Do you have accreditation to a game of football? Yes? Well, that’s not a great surprise, you are after all a football journalist. You’re probably thinking that you should just go to the game, do the press conference, then write it up in time for the deadline.
No! No! NO!
If you don’t tweet about getting accreditation, how are people meant to know you’re a football journalist? You’re not Pinocchio anymore, you’re a real boy now. This is how it’s done.
‘Wow. Accreditation for Wolves vs Kettering. [Faux humility and insult now] My grandfather fought in the war to see me cover the Coca Cola second round.’
Whatever happens, you must let people know that you, a football journalist, are doing the job of a football journalist. If you can’t boast, what’s the point?
Do some banter with your journo mates
Mates. Mates. MATES. Journos. Journos. Journos. First album Strokes? Eric Cantona? Are they the epitome of cool? No! No! NO! It’s the football journalist. Men want to be you, women can’t stand the sight of you, but that’s nothing to do with your job, that’s because you’re a scrawny, weird looking twat. If you’re a football journalist, your job, a football journalist, a football journalist, a football journalist, then people need to be told. I know you think you told them with the accreditation, but there’s no point doing subtle boasting here. Go gratuitous or go home.
Tweet about any old shit, as long as it’s about a) beer b) booking a hotel abroad c) wifi or d) a combination of a), b) and c). Note that you do not need to tweet about girlfriends or women you met. This will never happen.
Retweet foreign tweets
If you have a cursory knowledge of another language, congratulations, you are an #europeanfootballexpert. To prove this, do not go to foreign games and report on them, as if you were simply going about your job effectively. The most important thing to do is to retweet tweets in a foreign language. It doesn’t matter what they say, the most important thing is to never explain what it means in English. This is how to show that you assume everyone can understand French, Spanish or Polish - whatever - and showing that you can do it is far more important than actually finding out some news or something useful.
Let people know you are in the pub
Are you in the pub? Take a picture. Did you just get a round in? Take a picture. Did a journo mate MATE buy you a beer? Take a picture. Why not glibly put in a tweet which pub you’re in, see if you can get the little people to buy you a beer. If one of the little people is a woman, try shamelessly, repeatedly asking her to touch your desperate tig. Touch it, please! PLEASE TOUCH MY LONELY PENIS.
Make wacky jokes
Because you’re a cunt.