10 ways to fill time in your exam

1. Write a screenplay.

2. Imagine which of the girls around you you’ll marry and why.

3. Imagine how you’d let down the other girls gently when you tell them about The One. “She has a better pen manner”

4. Distract other candidates by winking at them, then tell on the other candidates for distracting you.

5. Write flirtatious notes to your marker. “Must we dance this dance every year?”

6. Re-draft the screenplay.

7. Scrap the screenplay.

8. Sack the writers of the original screenplay for “refusing to engage with any characters other than the giant phallus”.

9. Revive the screenplay.

10. Act out the screenplay.

11. Enlist others to help act out.

12. Write your Oscar acceptance speech.

13. Write the speech denouncing the Oscars when you aren’t even nominated.

14. Shout “CHEAT” at those around you.

15. Storm out, pulling up your trousers and putting your t-shirt back on as you do so.