Champions League Quarter Final Preview.

 

Barcelona vs PSG Eindhoven

For the second successive year, all of the Champions League Quarter Finals have gone to replays. This has left all ties hanging in the balance, none more so than Barcelona vs PSV. Many believe this to be a forgone conclusion, with the Catalan Dragons grabbing an easy victory. But before you draw conclusions, remember how they struggled without their star man Messi at the weekend against Mallorca. This game really is anyone’s for the taking. And by that, I mean Barcelona will definitely win. By any means necessary.

 

 

Borussia Dortmund vs. Malaga

If, like me, you absolutely definitely watched the first leg, you’ll know just how much of a game we could/couldn’t have on our hands. Some people compare this game to the rise of German fascism with the rise of rise of Spanish fascism, I wouldn’t, because it’s football. I’d put your money on Dortmund to win on away goals with Malaga to clinch the away goals victory.

 

Galatasaray vs. Real Madrid

Records are set to be broken tonight - If Drogba scores tonight it will be the first time an Ivorian has scored for Galatasaray in the quarter finals against Real Madrid. Not only that, but if Real Madrid keep a clean sheet it will be the first time a Spanish club has kept a clean sheet against a Turkish side in the Champions League quarter finals, except for when Real Madrid did it last week. If that wasn’t incentive enough to tune in then don’t worry because you can fully expect a goalless draw and for Madrid to go through.

 

Juventus vs Bayern Munich

The score in the first leg means there’s a lot of football left in this tie yet and neither team will want to lose and both teams will want to win. Juventus will certainly want to win this one, but how will Bayern react? Unfortunately you might have to watch it to find out. One thing is for sure both teams will be avoiding a draw as another replay might just ruin their league title run in.

 

 

 

The race for the Champions League Places

I wrote about it here http://t.co/SFagIjrurH

I did a podcast

You can listen to it here

How will they line up

Liverpool Anthony West Richardson Ham

Top five players who never deserved their wage

 

QPR’s Chris Samba looks set to be remembered as one of the most infamous bad transfers in Premier League history after a serious gaffe on Monday night gave Fulham a precious winning goal against the Rs.

 

Many fans in the football betting world believe Samba isn’t deserving of his £100,000-a-week wage package. Indeed, he joins a growing number of bad transfers – here’s our top four Samba will soon accompany.

 

Seth Johnson: Leeds United, £37,000

Johnson was so shocked Peter Ridsdale offered him £30,000 a week in 2001 the Leeds chairman desperately increased the deal to £37,000. Little did Ridsdale know Johnson would have taken less than £13,000 – a wage Leeds fans would soon realise was far beyond the midfielder’s value.

 

Eric Djemba-Djemba: Man United, £75,000

Sir Alex Ferguson’s £3.5m import from Nantes never really did what was promised in a United shirt and Djemba-Djemba reportedly squandered £3m of his Premier League earnings over four years in England. A stint at Aston Villa went unnoticed and at the end of his contract the Cameroonian headed to Doha before Denmark and now Israel.

 

Jo: Man City and Everton, £35,000

It wasn’t so much the sum that made Jo an infamous flop in the Premier League, it was his inability to live up to early potential showcased at CSKA Moscow before his £19m club record arrival at Eastlands. Jo quickly moved out to Everton on loan and was to be their main goal threat but after failing to find the net in 15 appearances in 2009/10 was soon shipped out to Turkey.

 

Winston Bogarde: Chelsea, £40,000

Chelsea have bought some dud players in the Premier Leagueyet none come close to Bogarde, who successfully lived the footballer’s dream without being a footballer. The Dutchman arrived at Stamford Bridge on a free transfer in 2000, made just four starts and ate in restaurants for most of his four-and-a-half-year, £10m contract.

 

The Twitter Match Reports

SUN 0-1 MNU. “Humouring super-rich gang rapists for 40yrs suddenly seems like a wasted life,” sobs Ferg before turning the gun on himself.
 
ARS 4-1 REA. New Royals boss “can’t stop ejaculating” after dream job sees human gonads implode for only the second time in EPL history.

MNC 4-0 NEW. Visibly nude Mancini spends full 90mins testing his foreskin’s elasticity by slowly rolling it over David Platt’s buttered head

SOU 2-1 CHE. Benitez to test theory he’d still be more likeable than JT if he made 9/11-themed porn with disabled kids & the terminally ill.

SWA 1-2 TOT. How come you never see a baby greyhound? Find an answer and so much less in The Wisdom of Gareth Bale, audio book on sale now.
 
WHU 3-1 WBA. Gluttonous cake pest Sam-I-am in police custody after spear tackle takes polio-ravaged orphan out of hotly-contested egg hunt.

WIG 1-0 NOR. Quaking FA powerless to halt latest Callum McManiac atrocity as knee-bork Piertown Herod drowns 40 more ballboys in team bath.

EV 1-0 STO. WWF’s Robert Huth out for 9 yrs with “peppery anus” after set-piece suplex specialist drunkenly agrees to 14-hour Tabasco enema.

AV 1-2 LIV. Junk email “probably not from Jennifer Aniston after all” admits Gerrard as easy-grift cerebral tetraplegic files for bankruptcy

Champions League 2nd group stage. The last 32. Semi-final preview.

Bayern Munich vs. Juventus – The group of death.

This one certainly is the group of death. Being the home side, Bayern Munich will have to be considered favourites. Especially if they keep up their run of scoring an away goal in every tie they’ve played in so far. However, Juventus will be encouraged by Bayern’s poor display against Hamburg at the weekend, and with a resurgent Mario Balotelli now fronting their attack, anything can happen.

PSG Eindhoven vs. Barcelona – The group of death.

Fierce European rivalries like this are what make the competition so special, few can remember the last time these two met. PSG are without Tyrone Mears as he plays his football elsewhere. This one can go either way and it will be all to play for. A true European classic tie. A master class in classics. A classic that Barcelona will inevitably win. And it won’t be a classic.

Real Madrid vs. Galatasaray – The group of death.

After all the hard work they had to put in on and off the pitch to beat Manchester United, the last thing Cuneyt Cakir would have wanted was a tie with European giants Galatasaray. These two Turkish giants are no strangers to big games, and with a resurgent Mario Balotelli leading the line, anything can happen.

Malaga vs. Dortmund

Malaga can count themselves very lucky getting two byes in a row and getting to this round. Even if Dortmund win this and win the away leg, their points tally will not be enough to see them through. So expect a weakened side as Dortmund look to concentrate on the league and stretch that gap at the top of the Prem. As for Malaga? Well, your guess is literally as good as mine.

 

Surreal Football Magazine Launch

April 13, 7pm, Kentish Town, Assembly House, Karl Marx Lounge

All welcome

Top 5 Footballers Surreal Football Would Hate to Suck-Off

Well, here it is. After two days of meetings and some heart-to-hearts that would be pretty awkward to watch play out again, Surreal Football has come up with the five footballers we would most hate to suck-off.

1. Luis Suarez. Do cunts have dicks?

2. John Terry. It would be difficult in the extreme to concentrate with someone shouting racist epithets into the air.

3. Cesc Fabregas - he’d keep talking about how much better someone else in Barcelona was.

4. Frank Lampard. Tory.

5. Gareth Bale. He’d be doing that heart celebration the whole time.

And there they are, the five footballers we’d hate to suck off most. 

How will they line up?

‘Funny’ ‘man’ Anthony Richardson did this