FERGUSON TO CARRY ON

Barry Ferguson has announced no plans to retire

Pardew. Twain.

Four Things You Should be Avoiding Before Playing Poker

All of us will have some kind of outside influences that affect our poker game without us even realising that they do. These outside influences will actually have a massive effect on our abilities to play at our highest level. Encyclopediaofpoker.org brings you the four main things to avoid before playing poker.

Drinking And Playing!

Whilst you might be able to get away with this in a friendly home game environment where everyone else is drinking, this is because it is more for the entertainment than the money. Poker is a sociable game on one hand but on the other it can be a way of making serious money if you are good enough.

So if you see yourself as the latter that takes their game extremely seriously and plays frequently in an attempt to win money, drinking whilst you are playing should never happen. You will not be able to sustain a good enough level of focus, so keep the drinking for games against your friends at home.

Playing Without Eating First!

I know we are starting to sound like your mum, but it is true that most things in life should not be done on an empty stomach. Whether it is going to work, going out, doing some exercise or playing poker, make sure you have had something to eat first.

Without food in your stomach there is a very good chance that you will become irritable and less likely to focus. Additionally, tournaments can go on for many hours online, with them literally offering a five minute break once an hour.

Never Play When You Are In A Bad Mood!

Playing in a bad mood will make you play angry, when you play this way you will inevitably make some big mistakes at the tables. You may think that playing poker is a good way to put you in a better mood, yet in reality it is not as a few bad hands will quickly bring it back out again. Play at another time when you are in a far better mood, it will save you far more money.

Never Play If You Have Family Running Around!

If you have kids or other people in the house making noise when you are trying to play a session of poker, although you may feel that you have learned to successfully ignore all of the noise, in reality you will never be able to focus 100 percent.

Either have a separate room where you can play and not be disturbed or play when everybody is out.

 

The Twitter Match Reports

FLM 2–4 REA. Defiant Royals owner Zingarevich upbeat despite inordinate wealth & supermodel wife’s gymnastic pursuit of sexual ecstasy.

 

NOR 1–2 AV. Tweet-threat lost in translation as Bennett insists “I finish ya in 2secs” was simply a grammatically inept gloryhole invitation.

 

SWA 0–0 MNC. Soccer Saturday’s fuck-tongue word bungler Plau Mesron faces sodomy charge after cockish lunge at Nastasic tears diction’s colon.

 

TOT 1–0 SOU. Wrong-language-speaking “dago” job-thief MoPo Pochettino “tawks daft, isn’t he?” opines Thornhill UKIP sage Aaron Threethumbs.

 

WBA 2–3 WIG. Not strictly relevant but how we laughed when the plane that tried to kill bag-throat xenophart Nigel Farage turned out to be Polish.

 

WHU 0–0 NEW. Charity Sam shows troubled ex great compassion, jiggling his new fake tits & yelling ‘in your dreams’ at Wor Pardew’s moob army.

 

QPR 0–1 ARS. Human folly assembles in drooling stupidity to witness the riveting spectacle of Abject Futility questioning its own existence.

 

LIV 0–0 EV. More stereotypes brought to you in association with World of Worksports’ Regional Profiling, proud sponsors of 220th Phlegm derby.

 

MNU 0–1 CHE. Antimatter Rafa ingests galaxy after refusal to talk about not talking about Jose triggers gravitational collapse of everything.

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If owning a gun and knowing how to use it worked, the military would be the safest place for a woman. It’s not.

If women covering up their bodies worked, Afghanistan would have a lower rate of sexual assault than Polynesia. It doesn’t.

If not drinking alcohol worked, children would not be raped. They are.

If your advice to a woman to avoid rape is to be the most modestly dressed, soberest and first to go home, you may as well add “so the rapist will choose someone else”.

If your response to hearing a woman has been raped is “she didn’t have to go to that bar/nightclub/party” you are saying that you want bars, nightclubs and parties to have no women in them. Unless you want the women to show up, but wear kaftans and drink orange juice. Good luck selling either of those options to your friends.

Or you could just be honest and say that you don’t want less rape, you want (even) less prosecution of rapists.
A Short Post on Rape Prevention (via ceedling)

(via cataloguesofconcubines)

Source: hoydenabouttown.com

Which footballer would you compare yourself to?

Callum Hamilton

Brian Laudrup: Much like myself, Laudrup was a man who understood that the only way the pinnacle of eroticism can be achieved as a white man was by assosciation with hardcore presbyterianism. I also have a brother who is far less attractive than I am, although I’m not sure if he’s a libertarian. I’ll have to ask.  I also scored two goals and set up three in the 1996 Scottish Cup final.

Nick Miller

David Luiz:  Much like Luiz, I have a needlessly excessive amount of hair, hair that makes me look like a character from the Simpsons. For him it’s Sideshow Bob, for me it’s Jasper Beardly. I also like to dish out a paddlin’, but that’s another story. Like Luiz, I also have no idea what I’m going to do next on the pitch, so my opponents sure as shit don’t have a clue. I also regularly play with a racist*. However, I don’t, and will never, refer to anyone as ‘geez’. There’s a limit.

* This is true. I don’t like the man, but he always seems keen for a game, and sometimes we’re struggling for numbers. If you’re reading this, you probably don’t know who you are, because that would require some level of self-awareness.

Alexander Netherton:

Garrincha:  Is it the incredible ball control?  No.  The will to win?  The birth defects and alcoholism?  No, no and, well, not yet.  No, the reason I am most like Garrincha is because I played brilliantly in the 1962 World Cup and lost my virginity to a goat.

EDR

Messi: Like Messi, I too am extremely humble, almost to a fault. Some people might think that by comparing myself to Messi I’m actually not being humble, but they haven’t seen me play, have they?* I’m more of a no10 than Messi because my goalscoring record is actually extremely poor, and I am right footed rather than left footed, and I don’t play in the Champions League (at the moment), but other than that we are an exact match apart from my ball control sometimes lets me down and I rarely bother to play one-twos with anyone. Also, I don’t have his ability to put it in the top corner from the edge of the area every single time. But other than that we are one and the same. 

*If you have seen me play, please don’t tell anyone what you saw.

Jude Elliott-Jones

Pele: He’s black, I’m black, and we’ve both allowed our image to be used to sell sexual enhancement products. Like Pele, Jude isn’t even my real name. From an early age we both adopted nicknames unrelated to our given names. Pele scored 1,281 goals in his 22 year career. That’s how much fried chicken I ate in the financial year 2012-2013.  You want more? We’re both dynamite in the sack. Have I mentioned we’re both black? The facts are there. You can argue against me, but I’ll claim racism if you do. Black.

Bearded Genius

Graeme Le Saux: Essentially an incredibly average individual who through no fault of his own was thought to be far more than he was. Only really played left back for England because Kenny Sansom and Stuart Pearce were too old and Ashley Cole was too young. He played for Chelsea, but that was when they were still Chelsea. Won the league with Blackburn, but in team that included Paul Warhurst and Jason Wilcox so it doesn’t count.  Despite being almost painfully straight he was mocked for being gay by Robbie Fowler, in the days when homophobia was the Anfield discrimination-du-jour rather than racism. Most bizarrely he was branded an intellect by idiots who assume the Guardian is a sign of intelligence. In short, not particularly good at anything - okay at football, not particularly intelligent, a shit champion and a crap gay. His magnificent goal against Brazil makes the rest of his life look even worse in comparison.

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