May 2013
Sir Alex: what’s next after retirement?
After a managerial career which has yielded nearly 50 trophies and spanned more than three decades, Sir Alex Ferguson has now officially retired from football. His unforgettable 26-year-spell in charge of Manchester United stands out, not least because of the 13 Premier League titles he brought to Old Trafford in his time, but what does the future hold for the fiery Scotsman?
The first thing on...
Champions League Preview
“Are you excited? Are you? Are you? Excited? About what? What? Are you excited about what?” This is a question that I have put into an introduction that can’t actually receive an answer to because, we don’t have comments. But imagine there were comments, or that I were in front of you asking these questions. Imagine that. Now, I will in turn imagine that you have...
The Twitter Match Reports
CHE 2–1 EV. God confirms cupjacking self-parody John Full-kit “really is a terrible human being. Let’s hope he gets mauled by a bear soon.”
LIV 1–0 QPR. Transcendental meta-mind Rodger Brendans to spend summer “conceptualising supernatural football” while wanking inside a hot bag.
MNC 2–3 NOR. Blinking troglodyte Kidd emerges from darkness to find 3-year eclipse was actually David Platt’s...
The End of Season Football Awards →
It’s that time of year again, folks. Alex Netherton dusts off the silverware to celebrate the best and worst of the season…
The Twitter Match Reports
AV 1–2 CHE. FA force Terry to regress backwards thru puberty as shark-eyed EDL heartthrob plays out career “with the genitals of a toddler”.
STO 1–2 TOT. “50% of my hands have never molested a pony,” pleads Pulis as offer to “destroy” guilty right arm fails to halt RSPCA summons.
EV 2–0 WHU. Edvard Munch’s Phil Neville issued Goodison restraining order after impending calamity’s job pitch...
Why David Moyes should sell Wayne Rooney
They have removed about eight instances of the word “c***” so it doesn’t work so much anymore. http://unibet.me/17V4wTw
Manchester City v Wigan
What’s the most interesting thing about this year’s FA Cup? Probably all the argy-bargy about that 17.15pm time slot, which helpfully offers fans of both sides plenty of time to get well bevvied before kick off. On the face of it City should stroll this having lost only one of their last six in the Prem. But, you rightly splutter, it’s a one-off and anything could happen - it’s t’Cup Final after...
FERGUSON TO CARRY ON
Barry Ferguson has announced no plans to retire
Four Things You Should be Avoiding Before Playing...
All of us will have some kind of outside influences that affect our poker game without us even realising that they do. These outside influences will actually have a massive effect on our abilities to play at our highest level. Encyclopediaofpoker.org brings you the four main things to avoid before playing poker.
Drinking And Playing!
Whilst you might be able to get away with this in a friendly...
The Twitter Match Reports
FLM 2–4 REA. Defiant Royals owner Zingarevich upbeat despite inordinate wealth & supermodel wife’s gymnastic pursuit of sexual ecstasy.
NOR 1–2 AV. Tweet-threat lost in translation as Bennett insists “I finish ya in 2secs” was simply a grammatically inept gloryhole invitation.
SWA 0–0 MNC. Soccer Saturday’s fuck-tongue word bungler Plau Mesron faces sodomy charge after cockish lunge at...
Buy!
The Surreal Football Magazine is now just 99p on Kindle http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Surreal-Football-Magazine-ebook/dp/B00CBXMBU6/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1366719926&sr=8-1&keywords=surreal+football …
I wrote about why it would be excellent if Jose...
bet.unibet.com/football/premier-league/2013/05/05/jose-mourinho-returning-best-thing-could-happen-premier-league?utm_source=Twitter&utm_medium=SocialMedia&utm_campaign=neth0505 …
“If owning a gun and knowing how to use it worked, the military would be the...”
– A Short Post on Rape Prevention (via ceedling)
Which footballer would you compare yourself to?
Callum Hamilton
Brian Laudrup: Much like myself, Laudrup was a man who understood that the only way the pinnacle of eroticism can be achieved as a white man was by assosciation with hardcore presbyterianism. I also have a brother who is far less attractive than I am, although I’m not sure if he’s a libertarian. I’ll have to ask. I also scored two goals and set up three in the...
April 2013
The Dream Team For A Nightmare Pitch
Blackpool have been attracting a certain amount of attention from supporters and the media just lately. It’s not for the dazzling skills of manager’s son Thomas Ince or a late charge up the Championship table under his ex-England midfielder father Paul though. It is due to the simply shocking state of their Bloomfield Road pitch and while Seasiders legends Jimmy Armfield and Sir Stanley...
The Weekend Reviewed
Andi and Alex review Alan Pardew’s descent
http://blogs.thescore.com/counterattack/2013/04/29/this-is-a-diary-of-lovehate-premier-league-week-32/
The Twitter Match Reports
MNC 2–1 WHU. Ballkicksport shits blood in amazement as Enigma codebreaker Roberto Mankini reveals “Man Utd won a lot of games with goals”.
EV 1–0 FLM. Fuck-a-buck half-time tombola a triumph after chance to copulate with Phil Neville’s pet antelope raises £9 for cleaning products.
SOU 0–3 WBA. Govt sale of dilapidated sinkhole to Chinese despair aggregator in tatters after tests reveal...
United are the best example for City on how to get...
And I wrote about it here
http://unibet.me/ZPp1yv
Why Luis Suarez should no longer be persecuted
Luis Suarez, we are told, is considering his future not just in Liverpool but, shockingly and upsettingly, in our great country.
This racist is no longer convinced that Liverpool and England deserve to keep him, so badly do we treat him. He is being persecuted for simply being Luis Suarez. How dare we, for instance, ban him for eight games for racially abusing Patrice Evra?
This racist biter...
How will they line up? Arsenal vs Manchester...
Anthony Richardson has done it again, yo
My favourite formation - various hacks
In an extract from the Surreal Football magazine, we asked the great and good of the journalism world to tell us their favourite formations, but sadly only the risibile selection below bothered to respond.
The Woman Magnet. That is what WM stands for isn’t it? James Appell, ITV
BOF-BOF-2. The only time that Sloop John B has ever been useful was during Euro 2012 when England fans...
The Twitter Match Reports
FLM 0–1 ARS. Mushroom tea-supping Wenger sectioned after Gervinhead’s foreho sprouts crab claws during terrifying third-eye awakening.
NOR 2–1 REA. Vapid geniality’s Nigel Adkins laments “soft goals” after slight easterly breeze destroys marshmallow crossbar.
QPR 0–2 STO. Long Good Friday’s ‘Arry ‘Edknapp “way past caring” as pornographically wealthy mercenary admits knee-capping wife “for a...
Luis Suarez: You can't have a racist as your...
As the season draws to a mind-numbingly boring close, save the appointment of Paolo Di Mussolini at Sudetenland AFC, everybody begins to wonder about the end of season awards. Yes, those club and national things that only players and people who pay £7 a month to watch Lou Macari attempt to make sense, actually care about. I don’t even truly believe the players care. Team of the Year....
An open letter to open letter writers
Dear open letter writers,
I know that you’re upset. After all, you’ve gone to the trouble of writing about a subject you care passionately about, and you’ve spent all the time you can spare putting your heart and soul into your open letters.
I know that you want to look like you have emotions, and you care more than anyone else, and that’s why you’re framing your...
Go home, Stoke
We all want Stoke City to get relegated unibet.me/17DC6LG #EPL #SCFC
England is terrible
and I mention Barton and Beckham to actually get it published here
Criticising (football writing)
Ben @devonbumpkin4m
Terrible article written to get the ABU’s on board. My only query on the list is Hazard but there you go… @BusbyMUFC @surrealfootball
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about this http://blogs.thescore.com/counterattack/2013/04/19/dean-richards-what-went-wrong-with-the-pfa-player-of-the-year-short-list/
genuinely, it was nicely...
The PFA Player of the Year shortlist is shit
I wrote about Michael Carrick and the PFA shortlist. it is brilliant*. go and read it.
http://blogs.thescore.com/counterattack/2013/04/19/dean-richards-what-went-wrong-with-the-pfa-player-of-the-year-short-list/
*satisfaction not guaranteed.
Buy! Buy! Buy!
You can buy the first http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Surreal-Football-Magazine-ebook/dp/B00ARNA1VI/ref=pd_sim_kinc_3 … and second http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Surreal-Football-Magazine-ebook/dp/B00AQMJEZ4/ref=pd_sim_kinc_2 … Surreal Football magazines for a quid each
How will David Cameron's death be remembered?
The Surreal Football Magazine is on sale here http://tmblr.co/ZouDExiM2L8f in all formats
Jose Mourinho and the Champions League
Jose Mourinho may never have a better chance of winning the Champions League http://unibet.me/YmrTPD #rmcf #real
The Surreal Football Magazine Is Out Now
Surreal Football Magazine #3: Sex Sells
By Alexander Netherton
54 pages, published 4/12/2013
The third Surreal Football magazine, featuring Rob Smyth, Andi Thomas, and the Surreal Football troika
The Surreal Football Magazine #3
As the world has not given us a Pulitzer for the second magazine yet - they claim we haven’t been nominated, we assure them we know a conspiracy when we see it - we had little choice but to cobble together the third magazine. After strenuous bouts of sexual favours, arguments about who was going to deal out the sexual favours, and congratulations for those of us particularly adept at giving...
Champions League Quarter Final Preview.
Barcelona vs PSG Eindhoven
For the second successive year, all of the Champions League Quarter Finals have gone to replays. This has left all ties hanging in the balance, none more so than Barcelona vs PSV. Many believe this to be a forgone conclusion, with the Catalan Dragons grabbing an easy victory. But before you draw conclusions, remember how they struggled without their star man...
The race for the Champions League Places
I wrote about it here http://t.co/SFagIjrurH
I did a podcast
You can listen to it here
http://theillustratedgame.tumblr.com/post/47068769555/just-uploaded-episode-15-alex-netherton-to …
How will they line up
Liverpool Anthony West Richardson Ham
Top five players who never deserved their wage
QPR’s Chris Samba looks set to be remembered as one of the most infamous bad transfers in Premier League history after a serious gaffe on Monday night gave Fulham a precious winning goal against the Rs.
Many fans in the football betting world believe Samba isn’t deserving of his £100,000-a-week wage package. Indeed, he joins a growing number of bad transfers – here’s our top four Samba will...
The Twitter Match Reports
SUN 0-1 MNU. “Humouring super-rich gang rapists for 40yrs suddenly seems like a wasted life,” sobs Ferg before turning the gun on himself. ARS 4-1 REA. New Royals boss “can’t stop ejaculating” after dream job sees human gonads implode for only the second time in EPL history. MNC 4-0 NEW. Visibly nude Mancini spends full 90mins testing his foreskin’s elasticity...
Champions League 2nd group stage. The last 32....
Bayern Munich vs. Juventus – The group of death.
This one certainly is the group of death. Being the home side, Bayern Munich will have to be considered favourites. Especially if they keep up their run of scoring an away goal in every tie they’ve played in so far. However, Juventus will be encouraged by Bayern’s poor display against Hamburg at the weekend, and with a resurgent Mario Balotelli now...
March 2013
Surreal Football Magazine Launch
April 13, 7pm, Kentish Town, Assembly House, Karl Marx Lounge
All welcome
Top 5 Footballers Surreal Football Would Hate to...
Well, here it is. After two days of meetings and some heart-to-hearts that would be pretty awkward to watch play out again, Surreal Football has come up with the five footballers we would most hate to suck-off.
1. Luis Suarez. Do cunts have dicks?
2. John Terry. It would be difficult in the extreme to concentrate with someone shouting racist epithets into the air.
3. Cesc Fabregas - he’d...
How will they line up?
‘Funny’ ‘man’ Anthony Richardson did this
