Surreal Football

Sir Alex: what’s next after retirement?

After a managerial career which has yielded nearly 50 trophies and spanned more than three decades, Sir Alex Ferguson has now officially retired from football. His unforgettable 26-year-spell in charge of Manchester United stands out, not least because of the 13 Premier League titles he brought to Old Trafford in his time, but what does the future hold for the fiery Scotsman?

The first thing on his mind is the new roles he’s been given with his now former club. He’s going to become a director and ambassador for United and is likely to give successor David Moyes some advice whenever it’s needed on handling everything from the youth system to problematic players like want-away striker Wayne Rooney, but his attention could turn elsewhere.

A racing cert?

Far from deciding to just stay at home or explore the world, Sir Alex is likely to devote time to his other passion: horse racing. Like a number of people from the football world, he’s got a keen interest in the nags as a punter and racehorse owner. As well as having a recent entry in the Grand National, he’s got a big stake in some big upcoming races.

Sir Alex is the joint owner of Telescope, who is battling to be fit in time for the Epsom Derby on June 1^st. Telescope’s chances of being included in the Epsom Derby  are in the balance, as he was recently withdrawn from a meeting at York. Ladbrokes have priced Telescope at 6/1 to win at Epsom.

On stable ground

Sir Alex is a major stakeholder in the Highclere syndicate, and is friends with some of the most famous trainers and jockeys in the game. He’s also part of a growing number of football people with an active interest in horse racing. Some of his former players including Rooney and Michael Owen are part-owners of horses.

Even before Sir Alex first dipped his toe into the ‘sport of kings’, others became involved in the sport in a big way. Former Southampton striker Mick Channon went on to enjoy huge success as a trainer (with backing from Fergie himself at one point), while Micky Quinn, the former Coventry forward, has also been a trainer, albeit with less success than Channon.

Now that Fergie has more time on his hands, we might be seeing a lot more of him at racecourses across the country, but don’t expect him to slow down anytime soon!   

Champions League Preview

“Are you excited?  Are you?  Are you?  Excited?  About what?  What?  Are you excited about what?”  This is a question that I have put into an introduction that can’t actually receive an answer to because, we don’t have comments.  But imagine there were comments, or that I were in front of you asking these questions.  Imagine that.  Now, I will in turn imagine that you have replied, “Alex, you have asked the same question a lot of times, but I am excited about one thing.  That one thing is the Champions League final between Borussia Dortmund and Bayern Munich, next Saturday.”

And I would reply, “That is a good answer.  I can remember little else to be excited about in the world.  These are two good football teams, from Germany, who have beaten other teams to get this far.  Teams like Real Madrid (who Dortmund beat) and Barcelona (who Bayern Munich beat) - you do not beat good football teams like that without being a good football team yourself.  Their success is very impressive.  It seems like only yesterday we could not see the end of the Spanish hegemony.  Now the end is already upon us and a new, German one is beginning.”

Then you would reply, “Thanks for the compliment about the quality of my answer.  I also enjoyed, in turn, your answer, and the conversation is moving forward quite nicely about the game, and in a wider sense, football.  I might do a bet on the game, perhaps with Unibet.  Now, I am a betting man, who do you think will win?  I think the odds are that Bayern Munich will win because they are trying to recover from the disappointment of last season where they lost, in a surprising result, to Chelsea, who were managed by Roberto Di Matteo, but who are now managed by Rafael Benitez (for a few more days as he is merely an interim manager, and this looks unlikely to change.”

I would end the conversation like this, “That’s a good point.  I would also bet on Bayern Munich but mainly because they are the better team.  For example, they won the Bundesliga really easily this year.  That would be my main reason.  Anyway, it has been enjoyable talking to you about the Champions League football final, but now I have to go to get my haircut [this would be a lie because I have clippers that I use at home, because I do not like the social interaction of the barbers].”

The Twitter Match Reports

CHE 2–1 EV. God confirms cupjacking self-parody John Full-kit “really is a terrible human being. Let’s hope he gets mauled by a bear soon.”

LIV 1–0 QPR. Transcendental meta-mind Rodger Brendans to spend summer “conceptualising supernatural football” while wanking inside a hot bag.

MNC 2–3 NOR. Blinking troglodyte Kidd emerges from darkness to find 3-year eclipse was actually David Platt’s massive face blocking out the sun.

NEW 0–1 ARS. “Remember when I was sacked by Charlton?!” geefs Pardew. “That’s like being kicked out of bed by Iain Dowie. And I should know.”

SOU 1–1 STO. MoPo no go! Quit-threat Saints boss feels wrath of Craig David as Classical Hump™ pioneer births thundercloud from urethra.

SWA 0–3 FLM. New Fulham boss The Sunken Eyes of Gus Poyet to be named Everton boss as Swans boss Poyet joins Leeds, Ikea & Nickelback.

TOT 1–0 SUN. Excused bigot Di Canio invokes spazio vitale, marching his squad into AVB’s underwear before triumphantly annexing a portaloo.

WBA 5-5 MNU. Lukaku bukkake puts Darth Ferg on life support after game pensioner guzzles 10-gallon goal-gush at retirement party porn shoot.

WIG 2–2 AV. Mystifyingly absolved catastrophe Martinez quits game after repeated attempts to prove his own incompetence prove fittingly inept.

WHU 4–2 REA. Escaped horse Andy Carroll electrocuted after wayward long ball sends tragic throwback careering into sub-station.

The Twitter Match Reports

AV 1–2 CHE. FA force Terry to regress backwards thru puberty as shark-eyed EDL heartthrob plays out career “with the genitals of a toddler”.

STO 1–2 TOT. “50% of my hands have never molested a pony,” pleads Pulis as offer to “destroy” guilty right arm fails to halt RSPCA summons.

EV 2–0 WHU. Edvard Munch’s Phil Neville issued Goodison restraining order after impending calamity’s job pitch “guarantees fast-track carnage”.

FLM 1–3 LIV. Curator of freaks Martin Barnum misjudges our appetite for oddity, fielding a 20-legged miscarriage & Tattoo the Human Twat.

NOR 4–0 WBA. Albumen-only diet “Holt’s last chance” as routine medical reveals double-dining pastry-pest’s seminal fluid now two-thirds icing.

QPR 1–2 NEW. As an excuse for expensively maintained arseholes making spectacles of themselves, the QPR squad ranks just below anal bleaching.

SUN 1–1 SOU. Dickless jihidiot Abu Qatada “will return to Jordan” rather than move to Sunderland as Home Office boomerang accepts ultimatum.

MNU 2–1 SWA. Suicidally leveraged wealth illusion Theatre of Debt foreclosed after Benitez CV destroys fax machine bought on never-never.

Why David Moyes should sell Wayne Rooney

They have removed about eight instances of the word “c***” so it doesn’t work so much anymore. http://unibet.me/17V4wTw 

Manchester City v Wigan

What’s the most interesting thing about this year’s FA Cup? Probably all the argy-bargy about that 17.15pm time slot, which helpfully offers fans of both sides plenty of time to get well bevvied before kick off.  On the face of it City should stroll this having lost only one of their last six in the Prem. But, you rightly splutter, it’s a one-off and anything could happen - it’s t’Cup Final after all. Plus, it is Wigan’s first ever Cup Final.

You’re right up to a point. Except for Wigan surviving in the Prem for another season is their real Cup Final and lovely as a day out in Wembley is their heads are going to be full of their end of season fixture against Arsenal.

Man City can salvage something from season ‘12/’13 if they win here. Everything at the Etihad will suddenly look rosier and the slow motion fail of gifting the Prem title to neighbours United might smell less of eau de merde. They narrowly squeezed past them 1-0 when they still had the faintest chance of clawing back United for the title. Even the narky Tevez seems to enjoy the FA having scored seven in five appearances.

Even though Mancini’s men could buy and sell Wigan several times’ over, past FA Cups tell us that the margin will be narrow here with 13 of the last 17 finals ending nil-nil at full-time. We still expect Tevez to be smiling at the end of the game and not just because of his win bonus.

 Manchester City to win: 2/5 bet365

Draw: 4/1 BetVictor

Wigan to win: 8/1 BetVictor

FA Cup Final

11th May 2013

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