Surreal Football

The Twitter Match Reports

AV 1–2 CHE. FA force Terry to regress backwards thru puberty as shark-eyed EDL heartthrob plays out career “with the genitals of a toddler”.

STO 1–2 TOT. “50% of my hands have never molested a pony,” pleads Pulis as offer to “destroy” guilty right arm fails to halt RSPCA summons.

EV 2–0 WHU. Edvard Munch’s Phil Neville issued Goodison restraining order after impending calamity’s job pitch “guarantees fast-track carnage”.

FLM 1–3 LIV. Curator of freaks Martin Barnum misjudges our appetite for oddity, fielding a 20-legged miscarriage & Tattoo the Human Twat.

NOR 4–0 WBA. Albumen-only diet “Holt’s last chance” as routine medical reveals double-dining pastry-pest’s seminal fluid now two-thirds icing.

QPR 1–2 NEW. As an excuse for expensively maintained arseholes making spectacles of themselves, the QPR squad ranks just below anal bleaching.

SUN 1–1 SOU. Dickless jihidiot Abu Qatada “will return to Jordan” rather than move to Sunderland as Home Office boomerang accepts ultimatum.

MNU 2–1 SWA. Suicidally leveraged wealth illusion Theatre of Debt foreclosed after Benitez CV destroys fax machine bought on never-never.

Why David Moyes should sell Wayne Rooney

They have removed about eight instances of the word “c***” so it doesn’t work so much anymore. http://unibet.me/17V4wTw 

Manchester City v Wigan

What’s the most interesting thing about this year’s FA Cup? Probably all the argy-bargy about that 17.15pm time slot, which helpfully offers fans of both sides plenty of time to get well bevvied before kick off.  On the face of it City should stroll this having lost only one of their last six in the Prem. But, you rightly splutter, it’s a one-off and anything could happen - it’s t’Cup Final after all. Plus, it is Wigan’s first ever Cup Final.

You’re right up to a point. Except for Wigan surviving in the Prem for another season is their real Cup Final and lovely as a day out in Wembley is their heads are going to be full of their end of season fixture against Arsenal.

Man City can salvage something from season ‘12/’13 if they win here. Everything at the Etihad will suddenly look rosier and the slow motion fail of gifting the Prem title to neighbours United might smell less of eau de merde. They narrowly squeezed past them 1-0 when they still had the faintest chance of clawing back United for the title. Even the narky Tevez seems to enjoy the FA having scored seven in five appearances.

Even though Mancini’s men could buy and sell Wigan several times’ over, past FA Cups tell us that the margin will be narrow here with 13 of the last 17 finals ending nil-nil at full-time. We still expect Tevez to be smiling at the end of the game and not just because of his win bonus.

 Manchester City to win: 2/5 bet365

Draw: 4/1 BetVictor

Wigan to win: 8/1 BetVictor

FA Cup Final

11th May 2013

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FERGUSON TO CARRY ON

Barry Ferguson has announced no plans to retire

Four Things You Should be Avoiding Before Playing Poker

All of us will have some kind of outside influences that affect our poker game without us even realising that they do. These outside influences will actually have a massive effect on our abilities to play at our highest level. Encyclopediaofpoker.org brings you the four main things to avoid before playing poker.

Drinking And Playing!

Whilst you might be able to get away with this in a friendly home game environment where everyone else is drinking, this is because it is more for the entertainment than the money. Poker is a sociable game on one hand but on the other it can be a way of making serious money if you are good enough.

So if you see yourself as the latter that takes their game extremely seriously and plays frequently in an attempt to win money, drinking whilst you are playing should never happen. You will not be able to sustain a good enough level of focus, so keep the drinking for games against your friends at home.

Playing Without Eating First!

I know we are starting to sound like your mum, but it is true that most things in life should not be done on an empty stomach. Whether it is going to work, going out, doing some exercise or playing poker, make sure you have had something to eat first.

Without food in your stomach there is a very good chance that you will become irritable and less likely to focus. Additionally, tournaments can go on for many hours online, with them literally offering a five minute break once an hour.

Never Play When You Are In A Bad Mood!

Playing in a bad mood will make you play angry, when you play this way you will inevitably make some big mistakes at the tables. You may think that playing poker is a good way to put you in a better mood, yet in reality it is not as a few bad hands will quickly bring it back out again. Play at another time when you are in a far better mood, it will save you far more money.

Never Play If You Have Family Running Around!

If you have kids or other people in the house making noise when you are trying to play a session of poker, although you may feel that you have learned to successfully ignore all of the noise, in reality you will never be able to focus 100 percent.

Either have a separate room where you can play and not be disturbed or play when everybody is out.